So very saddened to hear about your dear friend: I hope that beautiful walk on the beach with her will continue to bring you peace as it did on that day.
This newsletter, I believe it is the best one you have written thus far.
My deepest condolences Alice, to lose such a valuable friend weighs heavily on our hearts.
Your ability to see the light and depth of true meaning, inspired from such a loss is monumental.
Your sentiments regarding sharing are truly thought provoking.
I am so happy the independent upscale grocery community of LA is showing support for your burgeoning cookie mix business. I knew when I first tasted them, that you had not only a high quality product, also one that is healthy and delicious.
I believe once more people try them, and they either serve them to guests or tell their friends, your business will grow exponentially.
As I am sitting in my greenhouse, tears flowing, my phone pings that you posted. I too just lost a best friend. I learned of his death Monday. He had been killed in a tragic car accident. It’s determined that this accident happened over 6 weeks ago. His car left the road after missing a curve and was found buried in the woods.
He was a young man. Only 33 years old. Half my age. I’ve known him for the past 5 years. I met him when I worked in a detox recovery program. From that first day I met him he touched my heart. He was like a son to me.
This past year we were in touch every week as I took on the role of his mentor. He was the kindest sweetest person one could ever meet. He touched everyone in a heartfelt way.
In December he relapsed back to drugs. He cut me off and I had not heard from him since December 6th when he called me in a state of crisis. When I tried to reach him a few hours later, he didn’t answer and soon changed his phone number. That’s what he did to protect the ones he loved when he would start using again. He was one month shy of a year sober.
I never knew his family but we have connected since the news of this horrible event. They invited me to a private memorial of his life on Sunday. I am honored for that.
My friend Steven suffered from the demons of addiction and just couldn’t overcome. He also had a diagnosis of Autism. This hindered him socially. He was a genius and an accomplished welder.
Reality has hit me today that I will never see him again and my heart is broken.
I’m so thankful for seeing your post today Alice as I needed this space to talk about this. I am sending my heartfelt condolences to you. Please pray for this young man’s family.
I’m truly sorry for your heartbreaking loss, Cathy. I hope that connecting with your friend’s family can help to bring you and them a bit of comfort as you process such a deep and painful loss.
It means a lot to me that you commented here. Thank you for that. I did meet the family last Sunday and am so grateful for our time spent. I know it helped us all and they treated me like family. We’re all hurting, it’s going to take time. But hearing caring words from people like you make this time a little easier. ❤️
Alice, words cannot express how sorry i am to hear about the loss of your dear friend. I am sorry 😢. The passing of a loved one is heartbreaking. Truly there is no way to express the loss. For me, I believe that those who pass before us, stay with us. Our bodies die, but that love lives on forever. It is what brought me at peace decades after loosing both my parents at a young age. I spend a lot of long drive home from work talking to them and waiting for a sign that will give me the guidance i need. We all come from different faiths, but if it brings you any comfort, i believe she is right by your side when you need her friendship the most. Sending 🩷🩷🩷
Really enjoyed your newsletter Alice. I am so sorry to hear about your dear friend. What a special person she sounds like. I know words are just words but really in my heart, I hope you can find peace knowing what she added to your life and knowing how many people truly care about you. Thank you for such an in depth letter. and putting your heart and soul into your writing.
Dear Alice, I’m finally seeing your newsletter just now and my heart truly goes out to you as you try to cope with such a deep and profound loss.
I felt so completely blindsided and unprepared for the loss of first my father in 2007 and then even more so for the more sudden loss of my mom in 2017. Losing my mom was devastating for me. I so regret that those last years before she became ill I didn’t get to spend in person time with her because I was caught up with court and lawyers dealing with a very traumatizing divorce alongside a court case from my In laws who were trying to sue me for our house because they had saved it from foreclosure years earlier and their son had not been paying them back as he was supposed to. During this my mom was always there for me on the phone and something changed in our relationship where I felt like she was finally being more open with me about her real feelings. It meant so much to me and I really wished that we could have had more time to spend together getting to know each other as individual people. I learned a hard lesson about time and how quickly things can change.
After the divorce, and the law suit my husband along with his entire family were immediately gone from my life. One minute they were part of my life since I was 15 years old and then to never see any of them again still confuses me. I honestly had more respect and love for my mother in law and found her ability to just walk away from both me and her grandson unfathomable. I think it set off my original rejection trauma of being unwanted by my birth mother. I spent many years trying to get past that and thought I had come to accept it, knowing she was just 17 when I was born, but my acceptance changed to more confusion and pain when I found her as an adult and she refused to meet me and left me sitting in a car outside her door while she let my husband come inside to talk to her. Since my now ex husband was revealed to be such a manipulative narcissist, I have no idea of what he told me that she said was the truth or not. I eventually connected with my 3 half sisters on Facebook but we’ve never met in person. I see them all together in photos...my sisters and their children all living near each other and so tightly bonded with their mother. Now that I’ve lost my parents seeing their closeness creates such a longing for that feeling of family.
It seems like the past few years have all been about my ability to cope with loss and change and the very unsettling sensation of feeling all alone with pain and fear in what has come to feel like such a chaotic and unkind world. I think the life lessons and tools that you are discovering now will serve you well since as we age these hard changes are inevitable. I wish I had had the ability to have begun to process and learn to cope better with hard things much earlier.
I was so grateful to have my son still at home during the divorce, the loss of my mom and then my cancer diagnosis and treatment before he then finally moved away to Ireland and got married for the second time at 37. Though I remain close to his first wife (from a distance since she now lives in California), his current wife decided that she didn’t like me even after all the hospitality I had showed her when she would come to stay for long visits over the years. I’ve never heard a word from her after the last time she visited nor had any correspondence at all with her family in Ireland who are now my son’s only other family besides me. I still find that very hard to accept that they have no interest in connecting with the mother of the person who married their daughter. I never met my birth father since he had already passed away at 42 before I had found him. It really seems like the universe is trying to make a point with it finding so many ways to keep me from my strong desire to have a sense of family.
I never imagined I would end up so alone. As much as I understand the negative aspects of the Internet and social media, I also feel like it can be such a comfort depending on how you use it. During covid I found you and your openness and caring community really gave me comfort. I connected with a musician’s live stream also as another weekly gathering and became very close friends with someone in that community. And because I enjoy following artists pages, I’ve made some special friendships that way as well.
My son always struggled with social anxiety (he likely got that from me unfortunately) and with depression (a gift from his father no doubt tho I’ve also been feeling it myself lately). When his first wife left him because he wasn’t ready to move away from home when she was, he became very depressed and started his online streaming career. He worked so hard at it got years and then it finally took off. I was so glad to see him connecting with people again and it eventually helped him to find the strength to travel long distances to go to conventions and eventually to fly to Ireland to visit his girlfriend after they met online.
My son has always been very open and authentic online and like you, Alice, he shares all the deep and hard feelings. It often scared me because I was afraid of the trolls who love to bully and he had suffered from that sort of thing all through his younger days at school.
Somehow he found a way to cope and I think in a similar way that you do... through sharing. He helped people feel seen and less alone and I think that helped him at the same time. Last night I happened to come upon a video he posted from 2019. Seeing these videos can be a double edged sword because it sends me back to knowing he was always near but then it hurts wondering if he’s ok and if I’ll ever spend time with him again.
It’s a long video and I don’t expect you to watch it all... but I wanted to point out many of the comments below it. Seeing those comments really moved me to know how many people’s lives he has helped by just being real and kind. I wish he could be as open and honest with me. I think it’s just too hard for him to be that vulnerable with me because it’s just a bit too real. I think having that digital distance between him and others allows him a bit of a buffer to open up and share in a way that he finds difficult to do when in person. It breaks my heart that he struggles so. We were so very close when he was young and its hard to lose that deep connection. I worry that I’m somehow to blame for his suffering and then I worry about how he will cope when I’m gone.
I just now more fully understand how time moves much too quickly and how important these precious in person connections are but in their absence online friendships can still mean so very much and really do help when we are feeling alone. I wish I had told my mom just how much I loved her more often while I had her. I’m so grateful that I was there with her in her final days. I was holding her hands and up close to her on her bed and thought she had passed but she briefly opened her eyes and I saw her mouth the words... I love you... and then she was gone. But in that moment as I realized she was no longer in her body, I also realized that I still felt her near me. Now she can be near me always until I see her again someday. She was very religious and though I’m not, energy never dies and I feel in my heart that in some form or another we will all be together again with our loved ones. I have to believe that.
This is the video that I mentioned of my son, Nick pouring his feelings out and in the process creating his own kind and caring community much like the one Alice has created, that I am grateful for.
So after writing this I got into my car to head to the studio and “Don’t Fear the Reaper” came on the radio! Love those winks of recognition from the universe! 😘
So very saddened to hear about your dear friend: I hope that beautiful walk on the beach with her will continue to bring you peace as it did on that day.
Thank you, Lu. It means a lot.
This newsletter, I believe it is the best one you have written thus far.
My deepest condolences Alice, to lose such a valuable friend weighs heavily on our hearts.
Your ability to see the light and depth of true meaning, inspired from such a loss is monumental.
Your sentiments regarding sharing are truly thought provoking.
I am so happy the independent upscale grocery community of LA is showing support for your burgeoning cookie mix business. I knew when I first tasted them, that you had not only a high quality product, also one that is healthy and delicious.
I believe once more people try them, and they either serve them to guests or tell their friends, your business will grow exponentially.
Much love to you my friend, you are appreciated 🩷
As I am sitting in my greenhouse, tears flowing, my phone pings that you posted. I too just lost a best friend. I learned of his death Monday. He had been killed in a tragic car accident. It’s determined that this accident happened over 6 weeks ago. His car left the road after missing a curve and was found buried in the woods.
He was a young man. Only 33 years old. Half my age. I’ve known him for the past 5 years. I met him when I worked in a detox recovery program. From that first day I met him he touched my heart. He was like a son to me.
This past year we were in touch every week as I took on the role of his mentor. He was the kindest sweetest person one could ever meet. He touched everyone in a heartfelt way.
In December he relapsed back to drugs. He cut me off and I had not heard from him since December 6th when he called me in a state of crisis. When I tried to reach him a few hours later, he didn’t answer and soon changed his phone number. That’s what he did to protect the ones he loved when he would start using again. He was one month shy of a year sober.
I never knew his family but we have connected since the news of this horrible event. They invited me to a private memorial of his life on Sunday. I am honored for that.
My friend Steven suffered from the demons of addiction and just couldn’t overcome. He also had a diagnosis of Autism. This hindered him socially. He was a genius and an accomplished welder.
Reality has hit me today that I will never see him again and my heart is broken.
I’m so thankful for seeing your post today Alice as I needed this space to talk about this. I am sending my heartfelt condolences to you. Please pray for this young man’s family.
I am very sorry, Cathy. I am sending you all my love. Thank you for feeling comfortable sharing here and allowing us in.
I’m truly sorry for your heartbreaking loss, Cathy. I hope that connecting with your friend’s family can help to bring you and them a bit of comfort as you process such a deep and painful loss.
It means a lot to me that you commented here. Thank you for that. I did meet the family last Sunday and am so grateful for our time spent. I know it helped us all and they treated me like family. We’re all hurting, it’s going to take time. But hearing caring words from people like you make this time a little easier. ❤️
Alice, words cannot express how sorry i am to hear about the loss of your dear friend. I am sorry 😢. The passing of a loved one is heartbreaking. Truly there is no way to express the loss. For me, I believe that those who pass before us, stay with us. Our bodies die, but that love lives on forever. It is what brought me at peace decades after loosing both my parents at a young age. I spend a lot of long drive home from work talking to them and waiting for a sign that will give me the guidance i need. We all come from different faiths, but if it brings you any comfort, i believe she is right by your side when you need her friendship the most. Sending 🩷🩷🩷
my condolences, Alice. it's hard to find words that feel appropriate right now. just know I'm grieving with you.
My condolences, Alice. It is so difficult to lose a good friend. May you find peace in the memories you have shared.
Really enjoyed your newsletter Alice. I am so sorry to hear about your dear friend. What a special person she sounds like. I know words are just words but really in my heart, I hope you can find peace knowing what she added to your life and knowing how many people truly care about you. Thank you for such an in depth letter. and putting your heart and soul into your writing.
Amy
Alice, I am so sorry about the loss of your dear friend. Words are almost useless but I am thinking of you and sending love.
Your sharing today truly helps others in the same position- sharing makes us feel less alone.
Sending your whole family a big virtual hug
🥰
Dear Alice, I’m finally seeing your newsletter just now and my heart truly goes out to you as you try to cope with such a deep and profound loss.
I felt so completely blindsided and unprepared for the loss of first my father in 2007 and then even more so for the more sudden loss of my mom in 2017. Losing my mom was devastating for me. I so regret that those last years before she became ill I didn’t get to spend in person time with her because I was caught up with court and lawyers dealing with a very traumatizing divorce alongside a court case from my In laws who were trying to sue me for our house because they had saved it from foreclosure years earlier and their son had not been paying them back as he was supposed to. During this my mom was always there for me on the phone and something changed in our relationship where I felt like she was finally being more open with me about her real feelings. It meant so much to me and I really wished that we could have had more time to spend together getting to know each other as individual people. I learned a hard lesson about time and how quickly things can change.
After the divorce, and the law suit my husband along with his entire family were immediately gone from my life. One minute they were part of my life since I was 15 years old and then to never see any of them again still confuses me. I honestly had more respect and love for my mother in law and found her ability to just walk away from both me and her grandson unfathomable. I think it set off my original rejection trauma of being unwanted by my birth mother. I spent many years trying to get past that and thought I had come to accept it, knowing she was just 17 when I was born, but my acceptance changed to more confusion and pain when I found her as an adult and she refused to meet me and left me sitting in a car outside her door while she let my husband come inside to talk to her. Since my now ex husband was revealed to be such a manipulative narcissist, I have no idea of what he told me that she said was the truth or not. I eventually connected with my 3 half sisters on Facebook but we’ve never met in person. I see them all together in photos...my sisters and their children all living near each other and so tightly bonded with their mother. Now that I’ve lost my parents seeing their closeness creates such a longing for that feeling of family.
It seems like the past few years have all been about my ability to cope with loss and change and the very unsettling sensation of feeling all alone with pain and fear in what has come to feel like such a chaotic and unkind world. I think the life lessons and tools that you are discovering now will serve you well since as we age these hard changes are inevitable. I wish I had had the ability to have begun to process and learn to cope better with hard things much earlier.
I was so grateful to have my son still at home during the divorce, the loss of my mom and then my cancer diagnosis and treatment before he then finally moved away to Ireland and got married for the second time at 37. Though I remain close to his first wife (from a distance since she now lives in California), his current wife decided that she didn’t like me even after all the hospitality I had showed her when she would come to stay for long visits over the years. I’ve never heard a word from her after the last time she visited nor had any correspondence at all with her family in Ireland who are now my son’s only other family besides me. I still find that very hard to accept that they have no interest in connecting with the mother of the person who married their daughter. I never met my birth father since he had already passed away at 42 before I had found him. It really seems like the universe is trying to make a point with it finding so many ways to keep me from my strong desire to have a sense of family.
I never imagined I would end up so alone. As much as I understand the negative aspects of the Internet and social media, I also feel like it can be such a comfort depending on how you use it. During covid I found you and your openness and caring community really gave me comfort. I connected with a musician’s live stream also as another weekly gathering and became very close friends with someone in that community. And because I enjoy following artists pages, I’ve made some special friendships that way as well.
My son always struggled with social anxiety (he likely got that from me unfortunately) and with depression (a gift from his father no doubt tho I’ve also been feeling it myself lately). When his first wife left him because he wasn’t ready to move away from home when she was, he became very depressed and started his online streaming career. He worked so hard at it got years and then it finally took off. I was so glad to see him connecting with people again and it eventually helped him to find the strength to travel long distances to go to conventions and eventually to fly to Ireland to visit his girlfriend after they met online.
My son has always been very open and authentic online and like you, Alice, he shares all the deep and hard feelings. It often scared me because I was afraid of the trolls who love to bully and he had suffered from that sort of thing all through his younger days at school.
Somehow he found a way to cope and I think in a similar way that you do... through sharing. He helped people feel seen and less alone and I think that helped him at the same time. Last night I happened to come upon a video he posted from 2019. Seeing these videos can be a double edged sword because it sends me back to knowing he was always near but then it hurts wondering if he’s ok and if I’ll ever spend time with him again.
It’s a long video and I don’t expect you to watch it all... but I wanted to point out many of the comments below it. Seeing those comments really moved me to know how many people’s lives he has helped by just being real and kind. I wish he could be as open and honest with me. I think it’s just too hard for him to be that vulnerable with me because it’s just a bit too real. I think having that digital distance between him and others allows him a bit of a buffer to open up and share in a way that he finds difficult to do when in person. It breaks my heart that he struggles so. We were so very close when he was young and its hard to lose that deep connection. I worry that I’m somehow to blame for his suffering and then I worry about how he will cope when I’m gone.
I just now more fully understand how time moves much too quickly and how important these precious in person connections are but in their absence online friendships can still mean so very much and really do help when we are feeling alone. I wish I had told my mom just how much I loved her more often while I had her. I’m so grateful that I was there with her in her final days. I was holding her hands and up close to her on her bed and thought she had passed but she briefly opened her eyes and I saw her mouth the words... I love you... and then she was gone. But in that moment as I realized she was no longer in her body, I also realized that I still felt her near me. Now she can be near me always until I see her again someday. She was very religious and though I’m not, energy never dies and I feel in my heart that in some form or another we will all be together again with our loved ones. I have to believe that.
This is the video that I mentioned of my son, Nick pouring his feelings out and in the process creating his own kind and caring community much like the one Alice has created, that I am grateful for.
Love you guys.
https://youtu.be/q24Y8rn19v0?si=e_NP8JxvHKUR9UEx
So after writing this I got into my car to head to the studio and “Don’t Fear the Reaper” came on the radio! Love those winks of recognition from the universe! 😘